Neko

Currently Listening Sour Juice and Rhyme By Bitch & Animal Croquet see related

and i have come back to where i started...

theres this really worried part about me that doesnt know what she is doing and is getting saddened by the sudden distance that she feels

it makes me sad, it makes me ignore the feeling because i simply dont want to feel

everytime i see a group of people i know theres still this part of me that is afraid, that is insecure, that is afraid that she might not fit in...

and how do you just shake off that feeling?!

i have never felt like everyone else...and not meaning to sound like the typical capitalist indivualist...i just dont feel like i fit in...

there is just something missing

but ive spent so much time on trying to figuring that out that now i keep trying to find other ways around it

i overanalyze it i know

i am such a baby..i know...i know that...i always need someone to tell me what to do...how to feel...how to react...

that explains my passive aggressive behavior...i cant react if im not told HOW....and that goes back to my insecurities...and why am i insecure?! IS IT NOT FUCKING OBVIOUS!? 

i just want to communicate these feelings out...but...the distance...who do i talk to? why do i have to talk to anyone? why am i always in that same rut and is it always going to be this way?

i want to just brush it off and be funny about it and think how silly this all is...how stupid im being...but i just dont get a break...when i just shut up and let things happen thing get worse...like i am never supposed to be like everyone else...there is always this...thing...that impedes me from being what everyone calls happy...

or what i believe would make me happy

and i think i know what that is

but if i did then i wouldnt be typing this up right now would i?

well i dont really know...ill just keeping doing what i do...maybe something will change...but i doubt it... 

what a horrible day...its been raining all day and earlier my aunt died from a heart attack...

all in all, its just been a calm and ugly day...

well i cannot wait until friday...especially friday at midnight...

on other news...ive realized that i cant bring myself to read even a simple book...so, seeing as this isnt a good habit to be taking up right now, i am now following a coworkers example and am now reading the newspaper...which is actually a pretty interesting and simple read.

ive gotten to the first chapter of machiavelli's the prince...and the second chapter of october sky which is my required reading by the university...i think...that or they gave me a free book....anyways, i am off! 

oh its raining bullocks again....
Well lets see not much to report....

harry potter is coming out soon and i just cant wait...ive decided that i WILL go to the midnight release party ...i know its for kids...but i had never done anything of the sort when i was a kid so i figure why not now?

anyways its exciting i cant wait to read what happens next..its addicting...like cigarettes.......which makes one wonder...

ok so on to more pressing matters...i was devasted a few days ago because late one night i was driving home from the movies and accidentaly ran over a tiny little bird...

i was so sad...i actually cried...because it looked at me before it died...it was so sad!

and i also got in touch with an old fried from high school...

and thats it....i think...

well no not really....but i gotta get ready for work.

i dont really know why it is that i just cant seem to open up to anyone...

i think its this passive aggressive thing...i think i need to look in on it..

well so since i havent been able to lately...i think now is as good a time as any to start.

so my job is fine...sometimes i feel like quitting....but i never really do since i know it wouldnt be to my advantage to do that right now...

alot of people there have problems..and working there makes me realize how much the people here really do have some serious racial issues or just issues period.

im not just saying this because i feel isolated most of the time living here but because the environment around here is just so negative...and i just dont really get the people here...

but i guess some of them are ok.

i am going to admit now that i have developed a sort of ridiculous crush on this one guy there...is it a crush?

no its not a crush yet...its more of a....mild interest....more so than other people...you know...but that may just be because i feel like getting to know a guy

but i want to be careful because ive met most of the people there and some of them have certain problems and you really wouldnt be able to tell unless you talked to them...and not neccesarily the problems you would think...like serious psychotic problems...

i just want to make sure hes not like that....

hes french...i think i just fell for the accent..

but who cares...im so wierd about things lately that chances are i will forget he exists by next week...

so tommorow im sneaking off ...or rather....just planning to get lost....trying to find channelside...i heard it was a cool place to go..and i just might go there...

im also really considering tatooing my tummy! really serious about this tho

i dont want to make my mom mad...but ive been wanting it since forever...so im gonna go to the tatoo shop to check them out and see the prices and stuff...and who knows i might be spontaneous and get a tatoo on my hip while im at it!

~.~

Currently Watching Corpse Bride By Johnny Depp, Emily Watson, Helena Bonham Carter see related

hello!

hahuh yea yea hahuh

i just came back from Krispy Kreme...

ate some donuts!

and well actually things are pretty calm as of late...

work is pretty much ok...but im thinking of quitting in august because school is starting and i want to work there...

and ....well...there IS this other thing...

but i rather think its really not worth mentioning

and im off!